Yesterday was my birthday, and I hate my birthday. Typically I like it when my birthday is on a weekday, so it is a normal day. With my birthday on a Saturday, I decided if I did shopping for others, I would not be feeling sorry for myself for turning another year older. This is when I realized how difficult this holiday season is going to be for me and perhaps my family. My hope is that my brother and his lovely girlfriend will have each other, so the impact of my parents' recent divorce won't tarnish their holidays. It also should help that they are in LA instead of the midwest and that mother hasn't ostracized them as she has me. Of course, I will be there for my father. As I was shopping and noticing all of the holiday decorations, it really hit me that my family is no longer the same. Even though there hasn't been a death in the family, my mother still is distant and not a part of my life. Several times I noticed something that she might like and realized that I really don't know her anymore, so I really don't know what she would like or dislike.
I bought a few "stocking stuffer" type items and continued to Lunds to order the pie for Thanksgiving. Once again I am blessed with very thoughtful and caring friends. It will be nice for Dad and I to be able to share Thursday with S and her family. Plus, I think we will do Macy's 8th floor and Hollidazzle on Friday perhaps maybe as a new tradition. Anyway, I called S on the phone to see if we needed to bring/do anything else prior to our arrival on Thursday. As we talked I admitted my sadness of the holidays. Remembering she lost her mom to cancer, I realized my loss doesn't have the finality although it is still painful.
As I soon as we finished our conversation Dad called. Before I could call him back Mother also called with an obligatory birthday wish. Our conversation was trivial. Both of us ignoring "the elephant in the room." I must say the small talk was a bit surreal. When she said she wanted to make sure I spent Christmas with Dad because she didn't want him to be alone, I was appalled. I honestly don't think she realizes... Well, I don't think she understands how much she has changed in a year and three months. Of course I would spend time with my father at Christmas. I took this time to mention the ornaments and holiday decorations in their house. "Have you taken what you want of the decorations?" I asked. I'm not sure what she said, but I continued, "I thought Dad and I could decorate with what was left when I came home in December." Her main response was that Dad probably wouldn't decorate. Our strange conversation ended shortly.
Later she called back and asked if there was anything I wanted. She said, "Your father and I will go through them first because they are OURS."
I heard, "Keep your hands off you greedy little girl." I said, "After you two go through the decorations, I would like to see what is left before you give it away. If Michael wanted something that I took, I could always give it to him. Maybe Dad and I could e-mail a list of items to him, and he could decide what he wanted. Dad or I could store it for him."
She agreed but continued with, "If there is anything you know you would like, we could hold it for you."
I took the opening, "I would like the stained glass pieces. The ones my colleague made."
Silence... "Oh," she said hesitantly. "I really liked those. They were something I thought I would take," followed by a bit of a sigh and more silence.
"Well, you and Dad decide, and I'll look at what is left," I answered amazed by her need to control and get anything she wants. Is she three or five? I continue to ask this question each time she makes demands or any decision. In her defense, she did end up saying she would set them aside for me.
...and this is just the start of the holiday season.
I bought a few "stocking stuffer" type items and continued to Lunds to order the pie for Thanksgiving. Once again I am blessed with very thoughtful and caring friends. It will be nice for Dad and I to be able to share Thursday with S and her family. Plus, I think we will do Macy's 8th floor and Hollidazzle on Friday perhaps maybe as a new tradition. Anyway, I called S on the phone to see if we needed to bring/do anything else prior to our arrival on Thursday. As we talked I admitted my sadness of the holidays. Remembering she lost her mom to cancer, I realized my loss doesn't have the finality although it is still painful.
As I soon as we finished our conversation Dad called. Before I could call him back Mother also called with an obligatory birthday wish. Our conversation was trivial. Both of us ignoring "the elephant in the room." I must say the small talk was a bit surreal. When she said she wanted to make sure I spent Christmas with Dad because she didn't want him to be alone, I was appalled. I honestly don't think she realizes... Well, I don't think she understands how much she has changed in a year and three months. Of course I would spend time with my father at Christmas. I took this time to mention the ornaments and holiday decorations in their house. "Have you taken what you want of the decorations?" I asked. I'm not sure what she said, but I continued, "I thought Dad and I could decorate with what was left when I came home in December." Her main response was that Dad probably wouldn't decorate. Our strange conversation ended shortly.
Later she called back and asked if there was anything I wanted. She said, "Your father and I will go through them first because they are OURS."
I heard, "Keep your hands off you greedy little girl." I said, "After you two go through the decorations, I would like to see what is left before you give it away. If Michael wanted something that I took, I could always give it to him. Maybe Dad and I could e-mail a list of items to him, and he could decide what he wanted. Dad or I could store it for him."
She agreed but continued with, "If there is anything you know you would like, we could hold it for you."
I took the opening, "I would like the stained glass pieces. The ones my colleague made."
Silence... "Oh," she said hesitantly. "I really liked those. They were something I thought I would take," followed by a bit of a sigh and more silence.
"Well, you and Dad decide, and I'll look at what is left," I answered amazed by her need to control and get anything she wants. Is she three or five? I continue to ask this question each time she makes demands or any decision. In her defense, she did end up saying she would set them aside for me.
...and this is just the start of the holiday season.
Comments